Lieser Counseling Services Workshop Celebrates the Aging Process of Queer Men

Gay culture celebrates youth, lean bodies, six-pack abs, handsome facial features, and oozing sex appeal. So what happens when men age out of that developmental stage?  Many guys struggle with grief over the loss of their personal, professional, and sexual identities. They tend to focus on scarcity instead of recognizing, acknowledging, and celebrating the abundance that punctuates their lives.

The loss many older queer men experience is palpable: youth, vitality, status, relevance. Some men feel invisible in the youth-centric gay scene. However, “daddies” are in vogue now and have been for a while. There are myriad young men in their 20s and 30s who prefer the company of older men. They’ve had it with the shallowness, lack of depth, absence of emotional connection and intimacy, and drama they’ve experienced in relationships with same-aged gay men. These young men are seeking stability, safety, emotional maturity, experiential wisdom, closeness, and a sense of romantic love that requires unselfishness.

I was privileged to hear about the aging experiences of ten Chicago men recently while leading Lieser Counseling Service’s first Aging Gracefully workshop. These brave men came together seeking insight, empathy, support, and connection. They needed to know they’re not alone in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And they quickly discovered they are not.

Together they processed the ambivalence some of them feel about retirement from their professional careers. Some of the men were experiencing the paradox of both relief from the day-to-day grind and fear about filling their days and discovering purpose and meaning. Carl Jung, the notable psychiatrist and theorist, believed that we all have two halves of life available to us. The first half we spend building our career, making money, raising families, and honing our personal relationships. The second half of life is the time when some of us slow down, reflect on our lives to date, and take what we’ve learned to help others.

The men in our workshop also discussed how they’ve navigated the relational practices of monogamy and nonmonogamy. They related their success and failures and discussed how the heteronormative societal model doesn’t work for everyone.

Shame is a theme that comes up often for queer men of all ages and was addressed and discussed in this workshop. Other topics the men engaged in included feelings of inadequacy and self-acceptance, parent wounds, mortality, fear of loneliness, loss of relevance, changing bodies, aged-related health concerns, and sexual health issues that impact men north of fifty. We also spent time learning about attachment styles, relational attunement, and how to communicate vulnerable feelings to our partners and other loved ones.

After spending four hours together gaining valuable insight, connecting with other men, engaging in vulnerable conversation, and processing feelings, the men left the workshop with renewed vigor and intentionality. One of the participants remarked that “it was nice to be with an older group of guys on topics that were so relevant and relatable. I felt empowered to make some changes afterward.”

Lieser Counseling Services has more workshops planned so check back with us to learn about future opportunities.

Written by Roger Cahak LPC